


Kiku's Letter

by Philosophizes



Series: Hetalia Letters: A Fanwork Experiment [3]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Experimental, Fabricated Documents, Images, M/M, Transcript Included
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-30
Updated: 2012-12-30
Packaged: 2017-11-23 00:17:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/615963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philosophizes/pseuds/Philosophizes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A letter from Japan to his future bosses, with a short interlude by Germany and Italy due to unforeseen rudeness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kiku's Letter

 

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_Hetalia property of Hidekaz Himaruya; and this art letter has absolutely nothing to do with the actual government of Japan._

  
__Special thanks to_[coffeesuperhero](../users/coffeesuperhero/pseuds/coffeesuperhero) and [sabinelagrande](../users/sabinelagrande/pseuds/sabinelagrande) here on AO3 for explaining to me how they did [something ](400257)similar._

* * *

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_

** Transcript **

  
_A letter typed by Japan, with written sections by Germany and Italy.  
_

  
[A letterhead displays 'Japan' and the name 'Honda Kiku' in kanji to the left, the Seal of the Government of Japan in the center, and the mailing address of the Japanese National Diet Building to the right, also in kanji]

[The letter begins with Japan typing]

 

 _Hajimemashite_ ;

_Douzo yoroshiku onegai shimasu._

Many pleasant greetings to you, Prime Minister. It is my honor to meet you at last, though it is most regretfully not a meeting in person. I mean no disrespect, but experience has taught I and my associates that the first meeting between a Nation and their new Prime Ministers, Presidents, and Chancellors is best and most healthily conducted through written correspondence. This prevents any initial misunderstandings that invariably lead to greater problems and saves everyone the stress and dishonor of unpleasant confrontations at such an introduction.

So please, enjoy the complimentary tea, refreshments, and traditional flower arrangements I have prepared and left for you. Relax, ease your mind and soul. You have just undergone a very difficult process to have attained such an honorable and respectable position, and now that you are here you deserve a few moments to yourself. Please consider these words the equivalent of me leaving the room so you may repose uninterrupted.

 

[There is a section of blank paper]

 

I do hope you are feeling better now. I am deeply sorry that I did not introduce myself earlier in this correspondence, but I would not want to inconvenience you too greatly until after you had received a chance to relax.

I am Japan. You will see and hear me referred most often to as Honda-sama, less often as Honda-ue; and should we, at some glorious point in time, as some have, find ourselves to be mutually compatible as friends, you may address me as simply Kiku.

In order to promote our harmonious cooperation and warn you of the occasionally-precarious interactions you may have to regretfully encounter with my associates, friends, and family: the other honored Nations of the world.

First, I respectfully submit to you a short list of those Nations with whom I frequently have interactions with, in no particular order of status, importance, or personal relationship.

  1. China
  2. Germany
  3. North Italy
  4. America
  5. South Korea
  6. the Netherlands
  7. Taiwan
  8. Hungary
  9. Vietnam
  10. Greece



These honored Nations are the ones you are most likely to encounter; though by no means are they the only ones. In order to make the digestion of this information easier on yourself, I have humbly constructed another list of exactly what category these honored Nations fall into as they relate to myself.

 

Family:

  1. China
  2. South Korea
  3. Taiwan
  4. Vietnam



They are not much like what many have thought they are, and we unfortunately have some extremely dishonorable history together, for which I accept my share of the blame, but we are still family. For now, please simply know that China is my elder brother, South Korea is my younger brother, and Taiwan and Vietnam are my beautiful sisters. I humbly beg you not take too much offense at my honorable brothers’ attitudes and actions. They truly do mean well.

 

Friends:

  1. Germany
  2. North Italy
  3. America
  4. Hungary
  5. Greece
  6. the Netherlands



All of my friends are very dear to my heart, though they all present their own difficulties in dealing with them. As it would greatly please me for your honored self and my friends to be on good terms with each other, I shall be diverging momentarily into a short piece on each of them, which I greatly hope will not inconvenience you in any way.

Falco Zeghers, the Netherlands- Despite the fact that he and I no longer speak very much or have many interactions outside of official meetings, Zeghers-san was the first European Nation and the first Nation in a very long time that I saw during my period of isolation, and he remains important to me because of this. He smokes profusely, and though this is distressing it is also part of his charm.

Heracles Karpusi, the Hellenic Republic (Greece)- Heracles-san and I met during a few memorable occasions during the Second World War while I was in Europe on business. We discovered that we have a mutual love of cats and the peace and quiet required to think and have kept up personal communications to this day. I am unfortunately sure that you will hear stories and rumors about the two of us that may cause you distress, so please feel free to ignore them if you so wish. I, myself, have no comment upon the veracity or lack thereof of these reports.

Erzsébet Héderváry, Hungary- We are good friends and indulge in cultural expressions of creativity together, which may occasion my regretful tardiness and absence from events that I would have otherwise attended due to the travel involved in these endeavors. Should you ever find your honored self troubled by the amount of money we spend on these endeavors, I would like to respectfully point out that much of the surveillance equipment is easily reusable and installable in government buildings.

Alfred F Jones, the United States of America- Alfred-san is an avid admirer and collector of things pertaining to my culture, and so I assist him in his purchasing and tourism decisions. This involves frequenting video game conventions and stores. We also have a weekly Movie Night, occasionally involving his honorable President and his brother, that mostly involves him cowering against me in a heroic way.

Ludwig Beilschmidt, the Federal Republic of Germany; and Feliciano Vargas, Republic of Italy (Veneziano)- I feel it necessary to include these two together due not only to the nature of the various bonds between the three of us but also for ease of explanation of a certain pertinent point, which I hope you will not take offense to. There have been those who, upon ascending to the honored position of Prime Minister, find it curious and perhaps distasteful and unwise that I should continue associating with them; and have expressed their displeasure clearly. I shall deeply beg your pardon here in advance, for usually I am neither so crass nor disrespectful as this, but this is an extremely serious issue to me.

Ludwig and Feliciano are my closest friends. We met in dire, unfortunate circumstances. They stood by me as we endured through them, just I stood by them, and we have supported each other ever since. We shared something profound that has forever bound us together, and there is nothing you can do about it. Stay out of my personal relationships and I shall not interfere in yours; nor enlist Hungary and Taiwan’s help in doing so. It will not be pleasant. I will make sure of it. How do you think _Bungeishunjū_ found out about Tanaka’s geisha?

In short: I would appreciate it, if you find yourself so inclined to think in such a way, to –and I shall borrow a phrase from my esteemed Western friends here- fuck off.

With this in mind, I would tell you that, at the moment of my writing, both Ludwig and Feliciano are seated here at my table, watching me curiously as I put these words to paper for you, honorable Prime Minister. As it would be highly presumptuous of me to speak of myself, while having the humble duty of informing you of my personal quirks and tastes, I shall relegate it to my dear friends so that you may become better acquainted with one another and that I may prepare some more tea.

 

[On the fourth page, there is no typing, just writing. Feliciano begins.]

 _Ciao_ , I’m Feliciano; and actually Kiku just left to go smack his head into the wall for being rude! It sounded painful. Oh, but he _is_ getting some tea now- anyway I hope you can read English because I’m very certain you wouldn’t be able to read Italian so that’s why I’m writing in it, plus lots of people know English these days and they didn’t used to, I remember when everyone spoke Latin and French! Isn’t nice what Kiku said about us? He’s very polite like this all the time and sometimes it makes him sound funny, but I’m happy that he can talk like a normal person and threaten people too (except threatening is mean so maybe I’m not actually that happy about that part, but still! And wow he actually swore! Ludwig, the Lovino-exposure is finally working!)! Oh, I can’t actually read or write Japanese, it’s very hard for me, but Kiku was translating out loud as he was writing and Ludwig knows how to read and write a little your language, he’s very smart, so I know what all that stuff up there says! I _do_ speak a bit though! Kiku taught me!

[Ludwig writes]

Feliciano, you are supposed to be writing about what Kiku is like. If you cannot do so I am not giving you this pen back.

[Feliciano takes the pen back]

Hmmm, I think maybe you should keep it Ludwig, writing like this with a pen on this nice paper stuff makes me feel like sketching! Maybe I can make a picture of you and me and Kiku for Kiku’s new boss so we don’t get mistaken for anyone else.

[Ludwig retrieves the pen]

All right then, Feliciano, I’m going to be the one writing this. And why am I writing like I am speaking to you? You are sitting right there.

[Feliciano finishes his piece]

I don’t know Ludwig, you started it. But it’s fun!

[Ludwig gets down to business]

Greetings and congratulations to you, new Prime Minister of Japan. I am the Federal Republic of Germany. Consider yourself fortunate to have been born Japanese, or at least to have Japanese citizenship, for there are many other countries that you may have had the misfortune of being born into- but you are Japanese, which means you will be dealing on a regular basis with one of the most pleasant, polite, cultured and respectful people I have ever met, and when you are a Nation you meet many people. As well, Japan is wise and knowledgeable, and you would do well to consult with him on matters of state. You should experience very little difficulty as far as this aspect of your new position goes, especially in comparison to many of your colleagues on the world leadership stage. I highly doubt you will have to deal with inappropriate comments, extreme violence, overbearing idiocy, general animosity, or outrageous incidents. Though I suppose I should warn you to be on guard for possible spying; Feliciano and I have simply gotten used to it.

[Feliciano adds some more]

He’s saying that because we’re in love! That’s actually a little bit of why I like coming to Kiku’s house, because Ludwig will let me kiss him and touch him and things whenever here so long as Kiku’s the only one around because he knows better than to try and hide from him (plus it’s not like he hasn’t seen it all before a bunch of times)! Usually Ludwig tries to only let me do that stuff when we’re all alone, but Kiku has ninja skills so it’s no good hiding from him. And jujutsu skills and samurai skills and aikido skills and kyudo skills and karate skills and kendo skills and naginata skills and sojutsu skills. But not sumo skills, he’s too small and skinny. But pretty! Oh, there are some Nations you _really_ shouldn’t talk to by yourself, like Belarus and some other people I’m forgetting but Kiku will protect you! He’s good at protecting people (but Germany’s _better!_ )! Anyway, Kiku can be kind of stuffy and _waaaaaaay_ too proper sometimes, like when I try to give him a hug and kiss hello (he never lets me kiss him but sometimes if it’s a special occasion I get to hug him! Like New Year’s and our birthdays and Christmas). So be really polite with him except you’re Japanese so I don’t think you’ll have a problem with that, all the Japanese people I’ve met are really polite. I think you could do with some more passion and less business. Maybe you could do something about that?

[The fourth page ends]

 

[On the fifth page, Japan takes up tying again]

Please, Feliciano, it is a part of my culture. Here, have more tea.

I hope you enjoyed the talk Ludwig and Feliciano have just given you. There shall be more in our hopefully long, prosperous, and gloriously honorable partnership with each other. Now please, finish you tea if you have not done so already; and if you have, I do hope you found it to your liking and enjoyed it immensely. I shall be seeing you in person for a specially-prepared dinner this evening at my humble home, along with whatever family you have. I shall be most pleased to welcome you all as honored guests.

 

 _Shitsurei shimasu_ ,  
                                                                                         Honda Kiku, Japan

 

[Feliciano, seeing all the extra space left on the paper, decides to sneakily add a post-script while no one is paying attention]

 

(You should try the hot springs at his house, we always have lots of fun in them together and it feels _reaaaally_ good then we go inside and have tea and cakes on his kotatsu and then share a futon for the night! Everyone’s very warm and cuddly and relaxed after all that releasing of tension!- Feliciano)

**Author's Note:**

> Hajimemashite is the very polite Japanese hello for when you first meet someone.  
> Douzo yoroshiku onegai shimasu is the phrase that immediately follows this if you are in a business meeting/meeting someone important. It apparently doesn't translate very well but means something like "I hope this meeting goes well and that we will be friendly with each other".  
> Shitsurei shimasu is the very formal Japanese goodbye.
> 
> I am very sorry if I messed the kanji up. It's incredibly difficult to get right when you're not quite sure what you're doing, but I wasn't going to cop out on the letterhead just because I don't know Japanese. I don't know German, either. That said, please don't try to mail anything to that address. I am fairly certain I formatted it right, but I have no way of telling.


End file.
